ok so anyone who is anyone to me knows what has happened in the past few months...so i am not debriefing...so here i go with today...

i dunno i woke up late and had to do a demo speech 3rd period i remembered everything and did so well on the speech, and my day was going ok...not good but not bad...then came calc...now i love math and have been doing well in calc...but we started review and i suck i don't remember anything and i am stressing majorly about it...i am tired cranky and pissed off at the world and i have no idea why...anthony doesn't understand these days though he always thinks i am hiding something...im not i am just having a depressed day and i just hate life today...my parents are pissing me off to no end and i can't take being at home...then people at work are mad at me and i don't know whether i should let it go or care about it...i dunno i just am stressed and emotionally exhausted...but right now i am going to try to do something with my myspace...byez

all i have to say right now is my life is bitter-sweet

ok so tonight i came home went to work...which was hell...so the usual...and then i came home and showered and went out with anthony...looking like a total scrub with a hoodie and sneakers...and then we went back to his house and i felt so stupid cuz i had a hoodie and sneakers on...and i got to see abby...and we looked through his yearbooks...and now i am at home freezing my ass off and my head hurts and my throat hurts...all because of panza...that ass...hehe j/k...anyways i am talking to anthony so i will ttyl nighty night

ok so last night anthony and i went to his brothers hockey game and i met his parents formally and his doggie she is soooooooooooooo cute...hehe and his mom ended up introducing me as his girlfriend...we laughed and then walked away...funny thing is though i didn't care at all...it kinda sounded good...hehe...then we went to tim hortons for like 2 hours with matt (aka dane cook jr.) and dom and jesse and jenna...it was so much fun and my mom let him drive me all over...and past 9 until 11:30...yeah so last night was awesome and tonight he brought abby (his puppy) through the drive threw and she ended up peeing in his car...and now i am talking to him on the phone and he just kneeled in dog poop...hehe sorry but it was funny...hehe but anyways i am going to bed now...nighty night

ps. i took my first pill tonight

ok so tonight was supposed to be katie and i going out for her 18th birthday...it ended up being a night for me going on with anthony and hanging out with his friends...we still had fun but i feel bad that it turned into my night...ok so tonight we;

went to tim hortons and talked to joanna then this guy that always comes in to tim hortons overheard us talking about the fashion show and he said that his grandson was in the show...matt cantanese...we didn't know him but smiled and nodded like we did
then we went to the fashion show that anthony was in...it was so cool...they had different scenes and it just was so cool...and anthony looked really good hehe (katie agrees)
then we went to applebees and ate some apple chimmy cheesecake it was so good...
then back to tim hortons to figure out whether or not we were going to the NC vs Lew-Port hockey game
so we decided to go to the hockey game thanks to mrs. latchford and kendra for driving us (my mom wouldn't let me drive with anthony because she never met him before) and then we get to the hockey game and started talking to one of anthony's friends...we didn't remember his name and katie and him were hitting it off pretty well...so when we were about to leave he told us to wait...so i turned to anthony and asked him the kid's name and he said matt...matt cantanese...katie and i started laughing so hard...oh btw matt is like a mini dane cook...he is amazing hehe...

but i had a blast tonight...and katie i promise we will go out and it will be for you not turned into me...ahh i am so sorry...but thank you so much i really needed tonight...you're amazing!!!

ok so last saturday for my mom's birthday we got chinese food (her choice)...again i opened my fortune cookie, read the fortune, and pondered the irony...now if you recall saturday was the day i went to brockport and loved it and couldn't get ahold of chris and then found out that he had sex with ranee and all that jazz...ok so i know i am keeping you in suspense...the fortune states

"good judgement comes from experience. experience comes from bad judgement."

how true it is...haha...

ANYWAYS...

so i went to both of my doctor appointments...here is the news

ear doctor; i have a middle ear infection which causes me to get ear drops that i hate cuz they drip down into my throat and make it burn and make me hear all weird...hate that...and i am going back in two weeks

gynocologist; as of sunday i am on "the pill" to regulate my periods...but it can be used for birth control as long as i take it consistantly...i have a bacterial infection which my doctor said can be caused from wearing thongs...but i am 99.9% sure it is from something other than that...and if you know me you already know what it is from if not call me and ask...and then the really bad news...i could have a cyst on my right ovary...i am 17 and i could have a cyst...i already have a low fertility rate because of my heredity and if i have to get this and my ovary taken out i don't know what i will do...and i will know whether it is a cyst or not when i go get an ultrasound december 6th...and i am taking either one of two of my bestest friends...i don't think it is something i should go and get by myself...especially if i get bad news...so yea...i will let you know when i know...

oh and i have a myspace finally _me__shell_ its not amazing yet so when it is i will let you know...anyways i g2g do my chores cuz i am going out tonight...i will ttyl

ok so tomorrow i have two doctors appointments...wait back up...ever since this whole thing happened with chris i have been so stressed out and depressed that i am now physically sick i can't eat i don't want to eat and i am not doing well functioning at the moment...for example today i tried to drink a soup at hand before drivers ed and i took two sips and almost threw it back up, and when i was at school i couldn't say what i wanted to...it didn't come out the right way...ok so back to tomorrow...i have the ear doctor at 10:10 am because something is the matter with my body and it is affecting my ear...including my hearing which is scaring the shit out of me right now...i woke up the other day and my ear was bleeding and ever since i haven't heard the same...so i am worried that i have another tumor which would really suck cuz then i would have to have surgery again for the third time and go through all the emotional shit again...and then at 2:00pm i have my first gynocologist appointment...my mom thinks that i have polyasistic disease...which causes you to be infertile...which she doesn't want me to go through and you can help treat the disease with "the pill" so i have my first appointment where i will prolly get put on "the pill" and now the guy i wanted to have sex with is having sex with another person...ahh...but that is for another update because i don't have enough time to explain what i am feeling right now...but for now i will give you this...we are broken up, but if he proves to me that he is the old chris again then we will go back out but i love him and i can't stop...i want him to be mine again...i want him for me and only me...i just hope he figures all this shit out soon so that he can come back to me and be mine and only mine...but until them i am depressed and can't function...and scared shitless about tomorrow...anyways night

wow you are a fucking ass hole to think that you could treat me this way and to think that you could cheat on me with her and get away with it...well i am moving on...FUCK YOU...i am dropping your stuff off at your house tomorrow, and don't think i won't tell your parents about this because i totally will if they ask...so yeah you lost me and don't ask to come back...i never want to talk to you again...you treated me like shit and i don't deserve this at all...FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE...YOU LOST ME FOREVER

Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never go till we're one

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

There is some love that will not
go away

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on


ok i know this song is from the titanic and that it is when jack dies...and i know that chris is not dead and we are not broken up well completely, but he is away from me and that is enough to make me feel that our love will never die...i love you chris

mmmk...now my family has only gotten chinese food twice...the first time we didn't get fortune cookies...and tonight we did...well after i ate my food, i open my fortune cookie and the fortune reads

"Romance stirs your heart--share it with others"

now lets see i only want romance with one person...i mean yes i understand i don't deserve what he did to me...but i have only been happy when i was with him he made me feel like i was really living life to the fullest, and i could totally spend the rest of my life with him...i am 17 and i know this already...it litterally is killing me knowing that he is at college doing things and i am not completely with him and he is not completely mine...that kills me...well you know if you have read the last few journal entries

so my conclusion to this...
Irony comes in the weirdest forms
I would totally go back to chris
I would totally marry chris
I LOVE CHRIS

all i have to say right now is i love you so much and i can't grasp the fact why you don't love me anymore...why did you change things were going great especially this past weekend...

i can't stop thinking about you
i can't stop crying over you
i can't stop being with you
i can't stop loving you

so the simple solution...kill myself...the hard solution...deal with this...my life was so good and now it is so bad i want to kill myself again...why me...why now...uhhhhhhhhhhh...

if you want me i will be cutting myself in the bathroom

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
My baby boy...

[Verse 1]
Just let it die
With no goodbyes
Details don't matter
We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby

[Bridge 1]
Now everytime I see you
I pretend I'm fine
When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best
And don't forget about

[Chorus]
Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and
I can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us

[Verse 2]
Oh they say
That you're in a new relationship
But we both know
Nothing comes close to
What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it
How good we used to get it

[Bridge 2]
There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter what you go through
We are one, that's a fact
That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let
The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret
So don't forget about

[Chorus]

[Rap]
And if she's got your head all messed up now
That's the trickery
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be
I bet she can't do like me
She'll never be MC

Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

[Chorus x2]

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us.

this is how i felt but how can i feel this way now when you don't feel the same way with me???


"I don't want to go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up
Throwing their love away
I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

I don't want to go another
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride
In our privated lives
Ain't nobody getting in between
I want you to know that you're the only one for me
And I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me
I got you
We'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you
Baby, you're with me

So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts
So don't you worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you

Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you
Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you
My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you"


i was reminded a few minutes ago "boys will always suck"

all i ask myself is why me...i find this amazing guy and then shit hits the fan and in one of my best friends words "its all over my walls already"...i dunno what to do with myself see i am confused...

was it my fault
am i depressed
am i relived
why does my life have to suck
once again i hate being me
why am i still here

i love how all of my friends are always there for me though...even the ones who you wouldn't think would care that much shine through and are there for you more than you can imagine...when i am told by a friend at work that i am an amazing person and that he will figure out what a mistake he made and it was said why he would want another girl when he has the perfect one already....holy shit i mean that means so much to me that people can care about me that much and be there for me every moment of everyday...even when i can't sleep and i am crying at 1:00 in the morning...and when these friends come to me and want to take me out for an amazing night...like halloween night that means the world to me that people want me to be here, in this world, and want me to be happy...

well i guess alls i got to say is thanks for those of you who are always there for me...especially you newbies...i love ya guys...and you help me wake up each day whether you know it or not...

i truly appreciate all you do for me and I LOVE YOU

ok so last night i was talking to chris and it was like 11:58 and i was like two minutes...and he was like what....i go two minutes...and he is like until what???...and i was like you know...he goes yeah until John (his roommate) comes back from work...and i was like and that would be when...???....and he is like i don't know what you are talking about and i was like you better not have forgotten...and he was like (in a sarcastic tone) I don't know what you are possibly talking about...and i was like you jerk...and then he says...you know what time it is and then it was 12:00am and he said i love you and i said i love you and then we said happy 3 month annivarsary...which brings me to later in the day...approximately 11:30am...when i get called down to the attendance office at school, now i am going down there thinking that my brother got sick at school or my nana died or something...and as i am walking in the doorway i see a box with a bow on it...and i think to myself no way...there is no way that he would do that...well i walk in and mrs heintz (aka attendance NATZI) says hi michelle and she says i think you have a present...and i was like ok (thinking the large box with the bow in front of me isn't mine) but it was and she was like take you gift...and i was like omg my jaw dropped to the floor...then mrs croisdale...the other attendance lady was like is it your birthday and i said no and she was like well what's the occasion...and i was like its my three month anniversary...they said awwe how cute and i started walking back to lunch...now mind you our lunch conversation before i left the table was about how the girl's boyfriends don't do anything special for them and i couldn't say anything because chris would do anything and i am a spoiled princess...so i get back to the table and i didn't open the box yet...and the first thing kati says to me is you bitch...and i laughed and started to cry because it meant so much to mee and he makes me so happy just as he is and for him to think of me the way he does and think of cute things like that just means the world to me...then we opened the box and it was a dozen rosesand they were beautiful...so then i carried them around and all my friends were made but thought it was really cute...and yeah so my anniversary was like one of the best days in my life...

chris thank you so much, you have no idea how much that meant to me...i love you with all of my heart and soul, happy anniversary

Wow i haven't updated in like forever...well things have been going well, my senior year is okay...i mean homecoming week sucked and well classes suck and i have senioritis so yeah...but you know being a senior and maturing is something that opens your eyes to a lot of bull shit in high school, i mean you want to think that you can trust everyone and you want to think that some of your best friends won't ever stab you in the back, but so far this year all i have learned is that you really shouldn't trust everyone, and when you think that things are okay, they are really not, and also, don't ever think that you won't get stabbed in the back because i have realized that when someone can be so immature to do anything to get attention including lying, cheating, and purposly trying to make you mad, what kind of friend are they???...i mean really do you really get off on trying to make me pissed off...oh and btw you neer pissed me off, i had an amazing night and that is all that mattered to me, no worries in the world...
Anyways...things have been well between chris and i...well he screwed up last weekend...but you know that is what communication comes from, from disagreements, and i have learned from my last relationship that you need to communicate or it will fail completely and then it could suddenly you could be talking about everything and then everything is fine like 2 monthes after you break up.
I also went to a wedding with dan and got crunked and it was amazing....btw peach schnapps is f-ing awesome...and dan kissed me only a peck on the lips and it was a goodnite kiss...so no biggie.
Work is well...work
And i think that wraps it up for now...if i remember anything of importance or experience anything of importance...i will let you know...mmmk night

ok so i called dan tonight and i wanted to see how college was and tell him why i didn't come today with brad...he answers the phone hi honey...so i said hi darling in a sarcastic voice...then i talked to him a bit about college and how he likes it and stuff like that...then he askes how is your boyfriend...so i answered and then he goes on to tell me how he doesn't like chris and how he doesn't approve and how he wonders how i could go out with him...so i said that dan doesn't know chris and that he only saw the outside of him and he said that's enough not to like him...who cares i love chris and that is all that matters to me...i love him with all of my heart and he means the world to me...anyways i just am kinda confused if dan still likes me or what...not that i will leave chris for dan...that would never happen...i would never ever ever leave chris...he is the love of my life and i want to marry him and have babies with him and grow old with him...i just don't want dan to wait around for me like if he thinks he can get me back...but he said he has gone to parties with girls and stuff and i told him how i was proud of him...he said thanks and told me congrats about my road test...i just don't know what to do...somebody help me figure this out

drumroll please...the newest driver in NYS is...ME...yes today i passed my road test...i am so happy and my mom let me drive to tops...her rule is only to school and work if she says its ok until i finish drivers ed but i still am allowed to drive by myself in a car...ahhh...and almost everyday of the week starting in t-minus 7 days...i am so happy...chris comes home in two days and i drive on my own in 7 and see all my friends in 7 and ahh...can't wait until friday...i miss chris so much and i get to see him in two days and be held in two days and get a kiss in two days...i can't friggin wait...uhh 48 hours that's it...i love him so much...but i have to go find my money from my check...i love you babe...nighty night

well tonight at work wasn't that bad one of my supervisors wants to find a new job kinda sad about that but at times i could care less...jesse and i had really good conversations about life and relationships and all that jazz...it was awesome i am more confident with certain things with myself and my relationship all thanks to jesse...i love him he is an awesome friend...then franco decided to change one of mike l.'s texts to dee from i love you to i hate you and she flipped but it is all solved...oh then brad came in and decided to drive me home instead of jesse driving me and jesse flipped because of something i told him about brad and he is like well if you need something if things get out of hand call me and i will come and help you...i said thanks...jesse is awesome he just helps me out so much he is like a big brother and he is "watching out" for me for chris while he is away and he is doing a good job from the creepy guy who comes through drive thru everynight to stare at me and get his large triple triple and to the co-worker and friends who hit on me...i love how jesse is taking care of me...he knows that chris and i are meant to be and he wants to help that happen anyway he can...thanks so much jesse...well i am off to bed to wait for my amazing boyfriend to call me...big day ahead of me tomorrow...can't wait...night

in about a week its all over...the fat lady will have sung and i will be in school...what sucks about the whole situation is that i have to spend days in school missing my baby...i wish i could see him everyday like i could when he was here...it is possible to go and see him everyday but there is no way my parents would let me...which sucks...but i will still see him a lot...lets see this weekend, next weekend, the weekend after that, october 1st weekend, october 29th weekend, then thanksgiving, then he comes home for winter break and then we will see after that...i love chris so much...i truly can say i want to spend the rest of my life with him...he is everything i ever wanted and i feel that i am truly blessed to have met him and to have what i do with him, and i will be truly blessed if one day i do marry him and we have children and open our own timmy hoes...i love him so much...well i am off to take care of a few things...call me